Saturday, April 09, 2005

Jesus Christ almighty. No one should have to go through this much stress. Never.

Click here for the HOMEPAGE

Blowed up.

I had thought to write some more about life at the dacha. I have been there everyday since last I wrote. And I do like it. But at the moment, from my position here at the internet cafe, and especially after having read and answered all my mails and doing a long back and forth with my dad over the situation, I don’t know if I even could muster thousand and a half words about it.

My shits been blown up is why. Blown out of the water like the Pequad after Moby got pissed at Ahab.

Remember “Stripes” With Bill Murry?

Commanding officer:
“Where’s your Sergeant, solder?”

“Blowed up, sir!”

“Blowed up, sir!”

Blowed up. That Ain’t even not good English.

But do you know what it is like when your shit is always getting blown up? It is like always being afraid that something bad is going to happen and that is what all of this has been like. “When will the next disaster strike?” You ask yourself. “When will everything I have been working for come crumbling down?”

You know what it is like tossing shit for several hours with a pitchfork and knowing with every toss that you will never taste one potato, one beet, one carrot that you are preparing for? Do you what it is like to protract this feeling out over the course of three full fucking years?

My body is still here, and I am still working, maybe as much out of a sense of needing something to do as much as anything. But my mind is already gone. I hate this feeling.

And this is only assuming a smooth ride out? This is ignoring a bad exit. This is assuming that all will be civil. But I don’t believe that this is a given and therefore I have to keep this in mind as well.

But mostly there is Anya. And therein lies the biggest problem. I want her with me. And as of this moment there is a great lack of agreement concerning her. And a lot of bad feelings. So on top of everything here, I am looking at a war to go along with all that has been lost.

And you know what I think that this is all about? I mean, forgive me for bottom-lining it here. I know I am normally more roundabout in my prose, more careful with my word choices. But at the bottom I think that it is about a world in which people simply do not give enough of a shit to think about things any longer. And they don’t. And they take the easy ways out. The cheap ways, the stupid ways.

I understand about one’s intelligence quotient and all, and I know that people are different in their abilities and all, but what about allowing for one’s god given common sense to be involved in people’s thinking.

So I have just got my shit blowed up again and it happened because of people being just so fucking stupid and blind and d deaf and dumb to apply their consciousness to the world in front of them. And these are people who have real responsibilities in front of them. Life and death shit.

And then after, when things are so fucked up that they will never come their way again, they just want to laugh at the wreckage, the tragedies that their stupidity has wrought and… and, this is the best part, they just want to find someone else to blame for their failures!!!!

So go ahead. Blame me. Why not? I have got to be the poster child for the scapegoat patrol. But if we could get past the game of who’s guilty for just one moment, really bitch, why the fuck couldn’t you have just been awake through some of this? Did you have to pretend that nothing was wrong throughout your whole fucking life? Couldn’t you have listened to a word of warning about what was going to happen, about what was wrong, abut what sort of work would be necessary to fix it? Did you have to suck out all of everything you could find without ever having a stray thought about what you were doing?

Life being a bitch I suppose being the answer the question “To whom am I speaking?”

But of course I am lying.

I will try and figure out a way to get something onto this blog that makes some sense next time. Probably Tuesday or Wednesday. Excuse me for this one. I had been enjoying a moment of peace in the world and had been trying to exploit it to its fullest. Hence this blog.
But I seem to have been blowed up. Hence THIS blog…

Anyway, got you 850 or so regardless of my lack of peak performance. But I said I would be here and I was right? So much for keeping promises.

Bitter? A tad.

More soon.

Oh, and thanks for the letters of concern. I am answering them as fast as I can. And yes E, My love, it would have been easier if Poland had not left me in such a position in the first place. Very astute of you to have noticed.


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