Working it out…

I am worn out. I mean, I am not near death. I have more energy than that. But in general I am feeling like I need a lot of rest. And this is a crappy thought being that we are only beginning with the summer months. I think it is a combination of labor and uncertainty. It feels like it is anyway. But really, all I want to do is to have a rest.

But I have so much to do. I hate it but I do. I have too many things to do and to keep track of and of course everything has to be done well or it simply doesn’t count. This applies to both things from which IO receive something and from things from which I do not. Maybe it is always this way but at the moment I am really feeling it. I am not sure how long I have felt this way. Maybe for years. Maybe as far back as September 11th. I don’t know, but it certainly has been with me for a long time.

But the problem is that at times these days I simply cannot bring myself to do it. Missing several days of this blog is a good example. And getting things right up at the farm is another. I mean, I am doing the best I can, but there is still so much work to do and to be honest, at times I do fudge a bit. Like with the weeding. I should have weeded the sugar beets but I did other things instead. And I should have worked those extra two hours from 8 to 10 while it was still light but I rested instead. Why, because I was tired and because I hate mosquitoes. I was tired and I forgot the cream and I was tired. I am tired.

I wish I had more energy. I wish in fact that I was younger than I am. I am 41 now and I certainly see why all of the baseball players pack it in at about now. Well, not Johnson and Clemens, but they won’t go on forever- even if Nolan Ryan seemed to. Is that a fastball/curveball thing? Training? But Bonds hasn’t snapped back either for that matter. Nor have the Giants, one of the oldest teams in memory. But I am off the track.

I wish I was younger but of course this is not possible. It is not possible to go back in time and it is not possible to turn back your own clock. Time marches.

But if you could, would you go back in time? Do you ever think about this? Do you ever have that ‘Back to the Future’ fantasy about hopping into your DeLorean with Michael J Fox and buzzing back to some previous time in your life? And if you could, what would you do? Would you simply try and relive some if your happier moments, or would you play with it, change things, rearrange things so that the future turned out differently; I don’t say better.

I think about this a lot especially when I am hoeing and pulling weeds. I think about people I once knew and places I have been to. I think of my experiences and the things that I have seen and done. And about things both good and bad that have happened to me.

But would I change things if I could go back? If I could go back to being a boy and living in my folks house, would I do something differently? I mean, if you could go back and be say, 10-years-old again, would you, other than investing in IBM and Microsoft at their initial offering, do things differently. Would you do them with more of an eye for the future? Or would you slant things more for other people? As in, I wish I had been better to my aunt/uncle/mother/father/brother/friend/lover/etc, because now they are dead/in jail/homeless/broke/with someone else? Any combination. Would you?

I am not sure I would. I mean, of course there are things I have done that I regret. And of course I might wish I had done things differently in order to foster a different or better future. But aside from the sci-fi argument that says the smallest change in the fabric of time changes the entirety of fate itself, I am not sure I would even want to. Why not? Because to me, reality is all we have. I have enough hardship in my life without the thought that it all could be undone. And this is true for both the good and the bad. I suppose this could be classified under the Noam Chomsky argument about Nazi freedom of speech. And of course the ending of that argument is NOT that THEY should be silenced, but that WE, all of us, should be more vociferous in our counter arguments.

But be that as it may, what I am saying is that regardless of whatever demons may torture me from my past, I feel that the right road for me is simply that I must go on. Inevitably this is all I can do. I mean, I have a choice, we all do. Hemingway knew this. I know this. I simply haven’t made the decision to leave yet. So while I am here, I stay the course.

Even if I am really, really tired.

And in other Being Had News: The US Embassy did write me back and so far has been politely helpful. Thank you for this. I think though that I need to address the issue of the United States attitude toward Belarus sometime soon. I am receiving some flack lately from the locals, especially those with some rank in official positions and all of that specifically comes from anger over US policy. Of course all of this stems from Lukeshenka’s decision to try and stay in office for a third term. Maybe I should try and speak to our guys at the embassy when I get there about this. In fact, I am thinking that this might be a really good subject for a blog.
And from the medical tests: Yes, I am AIDS and tuberculosis free. Hooray!!

More soon.

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