Friday, July 22, 2005

A new dark thought…

So, what had been going on here? A lot I suppose. Well a lot and nothing.

I guess I have been running replays for while. I don’t think I was planning on taking a vacation from blogging. It really just happened that way after the Boris Vasilovich episode. And then I got into the idea of putting stuff up on the web that I thought ought to have been there. A lot of this had to do with the book and some things that have ended up being edited out. But in the end, I simply haven’t been writing for this blog.

But I have been writing. The book has been taking up a lot of time lately. I have been typing a lot in earnest these last few weeks in the hopes of having something ready relatively soon.

It is kind of hard to gauge life here sometimes though. Life here in Belarus has its rhythms just like anywhere else. It gets cold here in the winter and there is a lot of snow and ice. Summers are warm, but not really so warm as to be uncomfortable. Except for the mosquitoes.

At the moment we seem to be dropping into a darker side. An unhappier side, if this is possible. Sometimes I think it is only the weather. The weather or the changing seasons. We are at the end of July so the sunlight is definitely going away a little bit each day. And you know that the time is coming quickly when we will all have to return to our winter clothes and go back indoors again.

Sometimes I think it is only the weather but other times I allow myself to hear people and think how it is only about the money. It is a very dark time here right now. The money has always been small here, but lately people have been feeling as if they have been had. For a while, especially during the summer, the markets were alive and you could see smiles on the peoples faces. There was enough. But you do not see this these days. Prices have gone up, but the money has not and there are so many payments and so much that is needed for outgo. On the surface, it seemed as though he ruble finally stabilized, the inflation finally stopped after a decade and a half, but now the prices are coming up. Thing that were a quarter are now a dollar. Yea, the city has gotten a new coat of paint and there are lots of work crews keeping things up. But we paid for this with money we didn’t have.

Sometimes I think it is just the money but sometimes I am guilty of simply feeling sorry for myself. O know that how we feel colors our perception of the world around us, so it might just be me. I know that I feel terrible these days. I am very depressed. And nervous and unhappy. I am very worried for both my situation and the situation of Tanya and Egor and Anya. I have been thinking about what sorts of mistake I might have made over the last while. And especially if this whole bureaucratic business was a mistake. Would it have been better to take the money we got as a gift that allowed this process to start and use it for a ticket elsewhere? This choice meaning running away but also it would have meant more options, more choices and more opportunities. Did I do the right thing, or did I only make it harder on all of us?

So maybe it is me, or maybe it is the people I have been having to deal with. This bureaucratic process has put me in the hands of a lot of people with a lot of authority. And all that means is that it is a stilted, unnatural conversation. I didn’t need this. I am too old to be groveling. And the worst part is that these people have come to expect it. It I their food and they expect to be fed. Profound is the emptiness of the soul after such encounters. Like a daily rape of the senses.

So maybe it was that I am involved in this bureaucratic process, or maybe it is just all of the work I have done on the book that is making me feel so bad. Making edits on texts which recall times with horrible memories is like accentuating nightmares. I remember when I was studying music and found how writing music made that emotional lift you get from music 10 times more powerful. Well, it did when you wrote at night anyway. But to take this enhancement, this deeper bonding with the material and transfer it to the corrupt Polish bureaucrats- and this for the, what, for the fourth time? How many years must this go on?

But I am also getting older. And I know I am getting older from more things than just from the spreading grey in my beard. I still feel strong though. Especially when I am riding. I feel really strong these days on the bike, Strong and fast. And when I am at the farm. I feel good there too. So maybe it is not the bureaucrats who have infested my life like rats, eating away at my soul. Maybe it is just that I know I am getting older. I feel this these days especially because I can no longer find the good in things. Or maybe better said, I remember when I could bond with the lighter things, the happier things and allow them to lift my soul. But now, I feel as though those sorts of bonds have faded, and the attachment no longer fits.

I remember that I could only a short while ago. But I can no longer seem to open the door onto a lighter world and believe in a happy moment anymore

So maybe that is it.

So, it is 4:49 AM and I see that the sun is coming up. The sky is now shady light gray and I can now se the keyboard without having to tilt the screen forward. I am going to the farm today and see how many pickles we have. Now is the time for that. And next week I am taking the garlic. It is the beginning of harvest time. The best part of the year really. I should take some pictures. Hey, that thought made me feel better…

What do you know about that? Maybe all it was was that I have been away from the land for too many days. Maybe. It could be. Well, at least for the moment I can still do something about that. It is not the answer to those other questions. Absolutely not. But it did make me feel better.

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More soon…


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