Monday, August 28, 2006

Belarus Invades Poland; EU does nothing to stop it.

Exclusive from the BEING HAD Times
Lukashenka: If I knew it would have been this easy, I would have done it long ago
The military forces of the Republic of Belarus crashed through the border into Poland and took Warsaw within eight hours yesterday. In a startling turn of events, the entire country of Poland has now been annexed to be a part of Belarus.

"It wasn't really all that hard to do," Said Alexander Lukashenka, president of Belarus and the lands formerly known as Poland "We simply offered a few rubles to some of the high ups in the Polish military and they agreed to look the other way. And besides, there were only 67 Polaks remaining anyway. All the rest had long ago run away. C'mon, tell me we can't handle 67 Polaks!"

Sergei Sidorski, prime minister of Belarus said that the idea came from watching CNN's coverage of the Israeli invasion of Southern Lebanon.

"We were sitting around one day and the thought struck us: They're right; Enough is enough. A man can't even hear himself think around here with all of the noise those guys make. So we called Fidel and he agreed that it was probably time to do something about it and so we did. Best idea we ever had. Much quieter now. Much…"

But perhaps the most startling aspect of this non-violent military invasion is that neither the EU nor any individual European country offered even the slightest assistance in the fight.

"They were never really Europeans." said Tony Blair, prime minister of Great Britain, "We just pretended to let them in to do something about the price of plumbing services. These blokes will come out at any hour of the day or night and work on the cheap as well. What, do you think when someone thinks of going to Europe for holiday they're speaking of bloody Poland? Come on!"

"We were never in favor of their returning to the world anyway." said president Horst Köhler of Germany, "We thought we had done away with them in the 1700s. When they managed to squirm back on the map, we wiped them out in four days. I think it is better this way."

Poland's twin leaders capitulated quickly to the invasion as per Polish tradition. And also as per Polish tradition, were tried and convicted of war crimes quickly in a Polish court in which there was complete agreement between judge, prosecution and defense as to the outcome before the trial even started. Both twins were sentenced to public spanking. Jaroslaw Kaczynski, twin brother of former president Lech is said to have enjoyed it quite a bit.

Anatoly Lebedko, fiery leader of the Polish opposition party has been granted title of governor over the lands formerly known as Poland.

"It was an easy choice." said President Lukashenko, "He likes the Polaks and he needed something to do to help keep him out of trouble."

Alexander Milinkevich, leader of the combined democratic opposition was unavailable for comment and is said to be vacationing on his estate in the South of France. A member of Milinkevich's election campaign, now living on public relief, told the BHTimes that Milinkevich had recently received some large amount of money from somewhere.

"He just jumped up in the air, said yahoo! and took a cab straight to the airport." said the ragged former politico, "We knew he was into something, but we at least thought he would share."

Public opinion concerning the takeover from inside Poland was surprising.

"It's about time!" Quipped Boleslawa Gryczdzhwytscoski, a truck driver from Wroclaw, "We never really wanted to be in the EU. We knew we had it good under the Soviets. We just said all that bad stuff about them because they made us. Thank God…uh…that is to say, really, thanks for coming back!"

"News from the former Poland is on the way," Said the director of the Belta News Services, "and certainly there is nothing to fear. From now on there will be only good news about happy subjects and Poland will be free of scandal and corruption, just as it should be."

When asked whether the complete destruction of Poland would mean the end of the BEING HAD Blog, Adam Goodman quipped:

"Yea, that would be enough."

More soon…

2 Comments:

Anonymous Mike Miller said...

A nice lamponic twist on current events! Maybe you are growing
something on
the dacha besides tomatos and potatoes. :) That was a much needed laugh
for
all ! The part about Millenkevitch could actually be true, sad, but
proably
true..
Mike Miller

Monday, August 28, 2006  
Anonymous Robert Dowlut said...

I read your unhappy experience with the Polish criminal-justice system. Americans sometimes expect other systems to be somewhat like ours. However, you had no jury and the rules of evidence seemed very relaxed by American standards. The punishment was harsh. I will have to read what happened on appeal.

The U.S. Supreme Court recently held that a foreign conviction, in that case from Japan, could not be considered a felony conviction under a federal law that prohibits possession of a firearm by a convicted felon because foreign convictions may include convictions for conduct that domestic laws would permit, e.g., for engaging in economic conduct that our society might encourage, convictions from a legal system that are inconsistent with American understanding of fairness, and convictions for conduct that domestic law punishes far less severely. That case is Small v. United States, 544 U.S. 385 (2005).

Before I traveled with my daughter in July 2005 to Pinsk and Poland, I was informed by experienced travelers not to drive a car and to be avoid any problems like the plague because American notions of justice are simply not embraced.

Best wishes,
Robert Dowlut

Monday, August 28, 2006  

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